Being Human in the Age of Anxiety

Today I had my first ever real panic attack.

Now to be clear, I don’t mean panicking like when you find yourself speeding past a State Trooper going twenty over the legal limit, or the Panic you find when you accidentally skip an important deadline, or even the type of panic that comes when you get anxious at the drive thru window right before you place your order. (I can’t be the only one—can I?)

Those are all frequent and common natural human tendencies, none of which are out of the ordinary.

Yet what I experienced today was far beyond that infant level of angst, and well surpasses any normal social stress or anticipation.

For the first time ever, I was physiologically paralyzed by my mind. A concept which I never realized was possible.

In a rampant turn of events, my muscles tensed up and then became substantially weakened, my heart began racing faster, and I had a difficult time controlling my breath in a regular consistent pattern—as if I had forgotten my respiratory system even existed. My nerves throughout my body began tingling with pins and needles, and my joints seized up. My vision became faltered, and I found myself crippled lying on the tile floor leaned against a stairwell, unable to get out the right words for what I was feeling, in a moment when feeling anything seemed impossible.

This entire situation happened in a realm of less than 30 minutes, yet appeared to come on instantaneously. It was absolutely terrifying; and unlike anything that had previously ever occurred to me. Yet, I couldn’t, and still can’t exactly pinpoint the specific trigger that set me off.

For those of you that have had an encounter with an Anxiety or Panic Attack, I can now validate what you have experienced, and share in a level of understanding which I had previously and ignorantly neglected. They are absolutely real, and don’t let anyone disavow that.

As I near the end of my Psychology Undergrad, ‘Panic Attacks,’ a concept that I was well aware of, yet not totally convinced of, became all too real in a matter of minutes. What I previously believed were just symptoms of a Psychosomatoform Disorder, or the tendency of a Hypochondriac were all stripped away from me as I found myself helpless, and out of control. It was actually happening to me.

After a couple of hours of deep intensive focus, controlled breaths, and stimulus avoidance as I laid on my back with a hat shading my eyes, my heart rate slowed down, the nervous tingling dissipated, and I was eventually able to catch my breath.

I eventually returned to my stable self.

I’m forever grateful for my co-workers (a nursing and a bio student) who simultaneously and seamlessly handled my well being and served our clients in a moment where I wasn’t the normal me. They performed appropriate medical evaluations (determining my cardiovascular health) and sat with me in my vulnerable and seemingly exposed moments; all while maintaining a professional image. It’s good to have people who care for you on your team.

They then even helped me address my concerns of being overwhelmed, overbooked, and exhausted with my superior, who was incredibly receptive, accepting and tolerable (which are the exact opposite responses that I had crafted in my head). This person then explained how often times we focus on the miniscule imperfections because we want to improve, and then neglect acknowledging the much greater overall successes. However, the greatest and most resonating point this person mentioned to me is the fact that despite all of this “You’re still Human.”

Beyond all the identities we create in our heads, the ideologies we each try and represent, the mantras we stand for or against, and the masks that we wear, we all share one impeccable truth. We are all still Human.

Being Human means that we will have shortcomings, we will have inadequacies, we will all make mistakes, and that despite any valiant efforts we make, this life won’t be perfect. There will be days when we’re driving the sports car, and many others where we’re just the bug on the windshield. Yet how we choose to balance the good from the bad, and the highs from the lows, is ultimately up to us. Our lives will be messy, and uncomfortable, confusing, and stressful, but we can’t allow these factors to dictate our existence. There’s nothing more dangerous than when you give your emotional authority to someone or something else. This gives an incredible amount of unhealthy power to an external entity. You are the author or your life, don’t give someone else the publishing rights to your story.

Being Human also means that we have to be in touch with ourselves, and in tune with our souls. I know that this sounds ridiculous, and trust me, I’m a skeptic of herbal medicines, and essential oil healing properties, as opposed to hard science, but if we aren’t aware of our well being, nor are we being mindful of our own emotional and spiritual regulation, how much damage are we actually causing ourselves internally?

It’s important to feel.

Even if we live in a current society that rejects emotions and deliberately avoids self awareness, it’s crucial that we take the reflective moments to see ourselves objectively so we can heal what is broken and approach our futures with a sense of genuine hope.

According to the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) 20% or 60 million Americans will experience a Panic Attack at some point in their life. Of those, twice as likely are female, and most happen for the first time between the ages of 15-19.

For those of you non-math people like me, that’s 1 in 5 people; a number substantially larger than we often accommodate for, or even begin to fathom.

Now what does that mean? Depending on your role in your career, or your life as a student, or as a civilian, for every five people we encounter on a daily basis, at least one of those individuals may be struggling with an Anxiety or Panic disorder. Now of course not every case is the same, nor is the signs and symptoms of an attack, but there are some things that we can all be aware of.

Pay attention to your co-workers, your teammates, your peers, and your friends. Recognize if they seem overwhelmed, or heavy burdened, and don’t fear approaching them, to ask about their stability and welfare. Take whatever steps are within your limits to approach and check on their well-being. No, of course not everyone is going to break or blow up at every moment, but it’s our role as fellow humans to share the weights and struggles we each bare. If you happen find yourself struggling, don’t fear reaching out, the people who truly matter will willingly take your side, give you a hug, and remind you of who you are, especially in the moments when it seems that the rest of the world is against you. Despite our intentions to divide each other, we have much more in common than we care to believe—we have to constantly remind ourselves of this. We were never meant to do this life alone. We can’t do this life alone.

Here’s the thing though, even if you fall into that statistic, there’s nothing wrong with you, so please don’t hang your head in shame. There are countless biologic and environmental factors that play into that number; none of which determine your identity—unless you allow it to. There are no direct physical or medical harms from a Panic Attack; they sometimes just happen, and despite what the world may tell you, that’s okay. Stand firm and hold fast knowing that they may come, but they won’t last forever.

I thought I would be an exception to the data. I was caught off guard, and boy was I wrong. But through this suffering and fear, I’ve realized the love and support network that I’ve been surrounded with, and I’ve recognized the individuals who will be there for me in moments where I need them most. That’s something we should never take for granted.

For that I’m forever grateful.

In case nobody told you today:

You Matter.

Your Feelings are Valid.

There’s Hope for the Future.

You are More than a Conqueror.